Friday, November 22, 2019

It's Not My Fault and Other Excuses for Mediocrity



Several years ago, I was helping categorize responses to a survey. When responding to a question asking what the organization had done right, a respondent said something to the effect that the organization had made the successful people feel good.

I tilted my head and read that response with a furrowed brow (much like the warrior in The Last of the Mohicans when the girl throws herself off the cliff) and more than a bit of confusion.

This happened to be within hours of the Oscars where I’d heard almost the exact same phrase (ie. that the sole purpose of the Oscars was to make the successful people feel good and everybody else was just the scum of the earth), and even though the two instances have nothing to do with each other, the idea is the same.

Should all the movies, actors, and actresses who don’t get nominated for an Oscar blame those who do for being recognized as the best in their field?

Should all the authors (published and/or unpublished) who don’t final in a contest blame those who do for being acknowledged?

How do you reconcile that? If someone is successful at something (anything—fill in the blank), but someone else is not, why can’t we recognize that person’s success? The whole idea of not praising someone for doing a good job or going above and beyond because it might hurt someone’s feelings who didn’t achieve the same goal is ludicrous.

Let’s say I want to be a NFL football player, but since I’m not successful at it, I get all up in a huff because someone else is. For the record, never, ever in this lifetime have I wanted to be a football player, so I don’t even get upset that I’m not. In the interest of full disclosure, I may or may not be a little peeved at their astronomical paychecks, though. Ahem.

Carrying this topic into a whole ’nuther realm, if y’all don’t mind my sharing, there’s this whole “accept yourself as you are” and “it’s not my fault” mentality regarding an unhealthy lifestyle, health issues, and obesity. I’m not pointing fingers, unless at myself for wallowing in self-pity more than often than I should. And yes, I do know that there are real health issues that do limit some people’s ability to lose weight and keep it off. I know that some people have debilitating pain that limits mobility and makes something as simple as walking excruciating if not impossible. I have a friend who is unable to walk, unable even to feed herself. She’d give anything to be able do do one of those two things. Just one.

But sometimes if we give in to the naysayers and our own “pity-party” mantra, we miss out on so many blessings and things that we could do if we just believed in ourselves and pursued our dreams, our passions, our health.

Let’s drill down to this writing gig. How about, “it’s not my fault that I’m unpublished”. It’s not my fault that my stories aren’t up to par. It’s not my fault that I haven’t written a word on my wip in days, weeks, or even months. It’s not my fault that my books aren’t selling. It’s not my fault that readers don’t like my stories and are giving me two stars.

I suppose by now you’ve gotten the memo that I think the, “It’s not my fault” whine attitude has gone a little too far.

Because sometimes, it is my fault. 

While I have embraced social media with gusto and enjoy connecting with “like-minded” people online, reading about their triumphs and tragedies and sometimes sharing my own, all this information can be more than is healthy for me.



I was listening to a podcast the other day that addressed this topic to a certain extent and this whole … it’s not my fault, making excuses to underperform, and feeling sorry for ourselves mentality sort of rolled into one giant rant.

We align ourselves with groups and then, like our characters who believe a lie about themselves (one of Susan Warren’s plot points), we begin to believe lies about ourselves whether it is about our health, our weight, our lack of success in our chosen field, and even our relationships. We go to extremes with this.

We feel that if we can’t have the “perfect” body, then we might as well give up and eat an entire tub of ice cream. And toss in any semblance of exercise as well. I won’t even try to get in 5K steps a day.

If we can’t be a NYT Bestseller, then why bother to write at all.

If I can’t be a NFL Football star, then I won’t play ball. (Yeah, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

If I can’t be CEO of a Fortune 500 company, I’ll just go on welfare.

I know this is a hodge-podge of topics, but they somehow all go together in my mind. After listening to that podcast, I thought about a FB group that I’m in with thousands of other women with a medical condition that inhibits weight loss. (I’m being deliberately vague as it’s too complicated to go into here.) I’ve seen more than one of these women declare, “It’s not my fault” (speaking of obesity) because of said medical condition. And they just give up.

What if aligning myself with a group who wallows in self-pity and voyeuristically reading their stories of failure also makes me more apt to accept and embrace my own failures? It’s one thing to be aware of our shortcomings (you know, that whole NFL (not) football star dream of mine) vs. embracing and actively pursuing skillsets that we excel at.

One size doesn’t fit all, but I don’t think that most people who’ve found a measure of success in their professional life, their health, their finances, their addictions, go around saying… it’s not my fault.


I dare say that instead, they OWN it, whatever IT is, and then they go about fixing it to the best of their ability.

31 comments:

  1. .
    Mediocrity is like water. It seeks its own level.

    If it is my fault, I'll work hard to fix it. If it is not my fault, I'll work even harder to overcome it. Most success is achieved with many faults anyway. Success is not perfection and perfection is often not successful.

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    1. Vince, I love how you boil things down to a wonderful quote and succinct explanation. Bravo!

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  2. Pam, this is such a wonderful testimony not only to taking responsibility (sorely lacking these days) but envy, too.

    I know a Christian author who got so very angry she was beside herself... I mean really torn up.... because sexy books sell more than ours. They're making more money. Why should she bother working so hard and barely scrape a living when 50 Shades made a fortune?

    Pam, your post is a perfect turn-around for that attitude.

    When did we become greedy? Or unmotivated? When did we stop celebrating others' success?

    And why bother looking around? It only breeds dissatisfaction.

    Instead if we focus on doing our work, and doing it to our best level and working hard, that's our earthly task, isn't it? And if we're so blessed as to help hurting souls with our work, then Party Bonus! :) Jesus left the 99 to search for the single lost lamb. And no one was paying him. I'm just sayin'...

    Thank you for this insightful post. It means a lot, Pam.

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    1. And there ya go, more insight from the Ruthinator herself.

      Sorry to be a bit scarce this morning. Babysitting sick grands. 3 1/2 yo and 14 month old. Took me 20 minutes to type this comment. I'm sure all moms and grandmothers understand! lol

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    2. Pam, I'm sorry for the sick grand babies!

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    3. Whew, and an hour later I'm back! The sick baby is napping now (no fever, Praise the Lord!) and the 3 1/2 yo is quietly watching a video. I'm just now getting to eat a high protein, low fat, low carb yogurt. Breakfast is an hour and a half late, but in keeping with today's post, it IS a healthy lighter breakfast of protein that will carry me to noon when I have lunch. I could have eaten sugary junk instead citing that missing my more filling, healthier breakfast was not my fault. True, it wasn't my fault, but it's still no excuse to stuff my face with unhealthy food. :)

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  3. A lot of truth in this, Pam. I admit to having a bit of martyr in me on occasion, but the way our society has elevated victim-hood to an art is really a tragedy in its own right. All those things you've mentioned about losing your motivation, not being productive, being dissatisfied are all fall-out from that kind of negative thinking. God did not create us for that. It is another lie of the enemy. We may not always get it right, we still may not reach our goals no matter how hard we try, but at least we try. God honors that.

    Lots to think about this morning, Pam! Thanks for the post.

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    1. Glynis, what wise words. Letting ourselves get caught in the vicious cycle hurts us more than it ever affects others. And God honors that...

      Amen.

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    2. You are spot on Glynis!! Victim-hood... what a perfect way to describe it. I wonder if this is mostly an American problem or if it's worldwide... or at the least, only in progressive, materialistic, successful nations? Something to ponder....

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    3. Oh, and I've had my share of "woe is me" moments.... uh... weeks... months. Not gonna lie!

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  4. Pam, a good post to go into the weekend with. I have had less-than-perfect attitudes at different parts of this journey. "Why them? Why not me? They must have known someone, blah blah blah blah." But God wants to use ME and MY books. I had a stunning experience the other day. A friend of mine who is a hospice chaplain gave "Westward Hope" to one of her clients, an avid reader. They called me up and I chatted briefly with the woman, who was thrilled to be talking to a "real writer." I don't know if she'll be around for the sequel, but that was My Book being used by God. I've had a couple of other God-anointed moments, with a book that has only been out since September. Which means that God allowed me to be published at this time, not all the other times I tried and wasn't ready. Which kind of gives me the chills.
    I wish it were eaasier, but nothing else on this earth is, right?
    Oh, it is so important to see other Christian writers succeed, because that means there will be a place at the table for us. It means the genre isn't dead, in spite of the backflips the market's been doing.
    And it's important to stay connected, especially now. It's like a 12-step program: if we lose that connection we begin to doubt ourselves. It doesn't mean that your friends and crit partners need to constantly be telling you how wonderful you are, but that they remind you that you can do this. Or have done this.
    The most significant affirmation comes from God. When He wants us to stop, He'll let us know.
    I'm flying high today, my first Christmas novella is out with Pelican, "The Logger's Christmas Bride," Amazon or Pelican web site. SO pleased. Here is a link. https://www.amazon.com/Loggers-Christmas-Bride-Holiday-Extravaganza-ebook/dp/B07YSYHRHT/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Kathleen%20D.%20Bailey&qid=1574294965&s=books&sr=1-2&fbclid=IwAR0Fig5b-XhY3vRM-Hhlm2Y_8xeHxH4JkLP1thR3G__CWZB0hWmmyMS7xjI
    Have a nice weekend if I don't get back on.
    Kathy Bailey

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    1. Kathy, that's wonderful!! Congratulations!! I can't wait to check it out!

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    2. Kathy, congratulations! So happy for you!

      And didn't Pam hit the nail on the head today?

      Gosh, if we all minded our own business more effectively and used our grousing time for work... we'd all be better off.

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    3. Great insights, K!! I love what you said about staying connected. We need to stay connected to people to keep our finger on the pulse of writing (or any of those other major life experiences I mentioned), but we also let the no-hope-debbie-downers' attitudes roll off our backs. And if a group's (face-to-face or on SM) main focus IS continually on a victim-hood / "it's not my fault" attitude, maybe it would be wise to separate myself from that group.

      Congrats on launching your book baby into the world.

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  5. Pam, what a great kick-in-the-pants post! I, too, have that pro-football dream and whine about it. ;) Well, maybe not that dream, but I whine about others. :) I needed this kick today because I've made excuses lately because of events beyond my control that have stalled me. Still, I can do at least SOMETHING about it--the things that are in my control. So thank you for the reminder about the attitude!

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    1. Missy, you remind me of the Serenity prayer....

      The wisdom of knowing what we can change, then changing it.

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    2. And there's a difference in being there for family (as I am this week for sick grands) and letting ourselves spiral out of control all the time. As you said, Missy, it's attitude. I'm in a season (cold and flu season!!!) right now, but this shall pass.

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  6. Pam, posts like this are why I love this blog so much! "If I can't have the perfect body, I might as well go eat a tub of ice cream" for any writer can become "If I'm not going to earn a million dollars or at least be able to quit my day job and become a full-time author within a couple of years, why bother to set aggressive writing goals?" Your post reminds me of that wonderful line from A League of Their Own... 'Yeah baseball is hard. It's the hard that makes it great."

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    1. Perfect analogy, Jenna. And, we could say, "Yeah, life is hard. It's the hard that makes it great."

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  7. Pam, your post goes hand-in-hand with my Bible study last night. We're studying about contentment, and last night's lesson was on coveting - the enemy of contentment. We might call it envy, or a victim attitude, or jealousy, but when it comes right down to it, when we're unhappy with our own situation, it's because we covet someone else's.

    My success or lack of it is a gift from God. It has nothing to do with anyone else's success or lack of it. My job is to rejoice with those who make forward strides (Yay, KayBee!), and to look at my own job: to be the best I can be in this area where God has called me to be.

    So, we'll stick together, cheering each other on, and praying for clarity of purpose for all.

    And I hope those sick babies feel better soon!

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    1. Great insight, Jan. Thou shalt not covet. That's pretty clear, isn't it?

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  8. I agree. I totally think all those topics were related. Great inspiration to get back at it and own the reason for my not writing this week was my fault!

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  9. Thanks Pam for sharing. Sadly, we live in a time when everyone else points the finger at someone else or something else and blames them/that for their discontentment, or whatever. I can only imagine what responses some editors or agents get from people they reject...oy vy!
    :) Lee-Ann B

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    1. I could be wrong, but this feels like the first time in history that people are so unwilling to accept personal responsibility for anything. Given the fact that most people in the US (as a whole) have almost everything we need and so many totally unnecessary wants, and now we're turning to inward somehow. It's kind of weird when you think about it.

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  10. Oh goodness, Pam. This post brings up so, so many thoughts for me. It's not my fault . . . these words are, in most situations, not healthy to embrace, in my opinion. To be upset because others succeed where I haven't (yet), or to fall back on the idea that "it's not my fault (fill in the blank)..." for me the "It's not my fault I'm not published." Actually, it is, in my case. But, in my case, I have not given up on this dream. And, I have entrusted my journey to God. He knows the steps He has for me. He knows the struggles I'll walk through with my family. If I had had the time to really sacrifice and work on my manuscript, I would have sacrificed my kids' mental health and been a stressed out mess. I don't believe that's where God wants me.

    And though I still chafe at times because I'm not where I thought I'd be right now on this journey, one--I've come to trust God's timing, and two, I'm owning that I am here becasue God is teaching me and preparing me for the next steps of this journey.

    When I do the work I need to do, and I entrust myself to the Lord, I know I'm right where I need to be . . . and that He's working His good plans in and through me.

    Okay, I'm off my soap box now. I LOVED this post. ;)

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    1. Jeanne, so glad you chimed in. Some of us can become so focused on one thing that it starts to harm our family and relationships. This writing gig isn't something you can devote a week of "craziness" to, then dust off your hands and have results. And long-term 24/7 tunnel vision on writing related tasks isn't healthy for a family.

      Balance is key. And we're all in different seasons. When my boys were still at home, I chafed at the bit because I was still slowly moving toward publication. Part of the slow process was I was still learning the craft, I was working a brain-cell-energy-draining job and I was raising a family.

      I didn't sell my first novel until my youngest was in high school and the last 7 years or so have been pretty intense. God knew what he was doing! But doesn't he always? :)

      My job is to do the best I can in all areas of my life and trust God to steer me in the right direction. Coping out with a "It's not my fault" attitude shouldn't be an option.

      On the flip side, I have family members and friends who are experiencing major health problems, or they've recently lost their job truly through no fault of their own. It happens, but these people are soldiering on, praying for better times ahead. That's the best we can do when life throws us a curve ball.

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  11. I'm so thankful you posted this, Pam! If we're honest, we all struggle against the temptation to take a peek over the fence at our neighbor's backyard and become discontent with the generous and lovingly-prepared space God has prepared for us. For me, this only leads me to question His goodness. We're called to celebrate one another which can fill our hearts with joy. At the end of the day, if God is smiling on how I invested His gift of time, that is ample reward. If I'm not where I think I should be in my career, then, as you say, I COULD be the problem. Imagine that? LOL!

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  12. What a much-needed and thought-provoking post, Pam--a wonderful reminder to accept responsibility for ourselves, quit playing the blame game, and work on changing what we can! Thanks so much!

    I learn so much from all of your thoughts, Seekerville people! You're fantastic!

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