Mending Grief in a Relationship When Closure is Impossible

 by Cindy Woodsmall

Many of us, perhaps most, have had a painful relationship with someone we loved with our whole heart. I have. It’s a heartrending torture and the start of a long, hard journey.

Part of mending grief in a relationship that is void of closure takes coming to a place of accepting our human selves and the things that wound us. There are lists of hurts that can plague us: rejection, lies against us, active addiction, betrayal, misinterpretation of our intent, misunderstandings, estrangement. Bottom line: hurtful behaviors can cause more grief than we know how to cope with.    

Some of our pain from these situations makes perfect sense, while some of it defies logic, but we must listen to our grief and respond to ourselves with tenderness and respect. Whether we’re in a relationship with deep wounds but no closure or a relationship that is broken with no contact, we can actively seek healing and peace in our minds and hearts. Here are some ways to do that:

1. Accept the relationship for what it is. It’ll never be the romanticized version we longed for. Whether the person is a spouse, parent, sibling, child, other relative, or friend, we must stop thinking in terms of idyllic relationships and come to a place of accepting that it is what it is, and no amount of emotional desperation or daydreaming otherwise is going to change it.

2. Take care of you. If someone is asking you to meet their needs but doing so means you’re not listening to or taking care of yourself, kindly but firmly refuse. Don’t agree to things to make the other person feel better while ignoring what you need. If they are broken over their own actions, you’ll be tempted to try to fix it. Be as kind as possible at all times but give yourself space to sort and process. You’re getting to know a new them and a new you, neither of which you ever wanted to see or become. Don’t rush yourself.

3. Set realistic, honest expectations. Once we move beyond idyllic thinking, we need to aim for obtainable goals. We can have a relationship with a difficult person, with someone who’s disappointed us, and with a person who has broken our hearts. But we have to adjust our expectations, both of ourselves and them. No matter how much we love someone, they can’t give what they don’t have. Ponder the old saying: Can’t squeeze blood from a turnip (or stone). Another thought to keep in mind is a paraphrase of a Maya Angelou saying—beware of a shirtless man assuring you he can give you a shirt.  

4. Be forgiving. My definition of forgiveness is choosing to let go and choosing to not verbally beat up a person for a wrong done. We know our own faults on this planet are plenteous. Letting go of anger and grudges can be freeing. If we look through the eyes of faith, it helps us to let go of the constant reminder of damage done.   

5. Know what forgiveness isn’t. It isn’t trusting a person who has hurt you anew. Trust is built. With self-care and wisdom at work, we can be in a relationship with damaged trust. We know what’s going on, and we’re taking care of ourselves. We’re learning to trust ourselves and the journey.    

6. Have and hold boundaries. This is similar to “take care of you,” but a specific way of doing so. Sometimes I find holding boundaries difficult. I just want to make everything okay for everyone. But letting someone cross or move my boundaries, the ones where I’m looking after and taking care of me, does neither of us any good in the long run. 

In Yesterday’s Gone, our main character is a young Amish woman named Eliza, and she has experienced overwhelming grief, though for a very different reason than any I’ve listed above. She longs to return to an earlier time and change one decision she made. Because she’s from a lineage of women who crossed the ocean in the 1700s, praying while sewing on a quilt . . . and because their faith was woven into the quilt Eliza now holds, she is granted her prayer.

Will changing one decision heal her heartbreak and free her husband from their shared pain, or will Eliza find that her marriage’s worth to her Amish community was immeasurable?

ABOUT CINDY

Cindy Woodsmall is a New York Times and CBA bestselling author of twenty-five works of fiction and one nonfiction book. Coverage of Cindy's writing has been featured on ABC's Nightline and the front page of the Wall Street Journal. She lives in the foothills of the north Georgia mountains with her husband, just a short distance from two of her three sons and her six grandchildren.

• Cindy's Website

ABOUT ERIN

Erin Woodsmall is a writer, musician, wife, and mom of four. She has edited, brainstormed, and researched books with Cindy for almost a decade. More recently she and Cindy have coauthored five books, one of which was a winner of the prestigious Christy Award.

ABOUT YESTERDAY'S GONE

Eliza holds a secret that can rewrite the past.

Eliza Bontrager and Jesse Ebersol have fallen in love and are determined to marry, despite the belief of their Amish community and respective families that there’s a hidden curse—one that only shows up when an Ebersol and Bontrager marry.

Before the ceremony on the day of the wedding, Eliza’s great-aunt Rose gives her a family heirloom quilt and tells her that she may use it to change one event in the past. Eliza appreciates the woman’s heart, but she dismisses the strange conversation while keeping the beautiful quilt.

Several years later, mourning the loss of their third child, Eliza discovers her inability to deliver a healthy baby is genetic. Remembering her great-aunt’s strange words, she decides that if she can go back in time and reject Jesse’s proposal, she can save him the heartache of a childless marriage. Her sacrifice will allow him to marry someone else and raise a family. But once she puts her plan into action, she discovers the true impact of her decision—on Jesse and so many others within their community.

For fans of Amish fiction and the beloved classic It’s a Wonderful Life comes a gripping story about faith, family, and starting over from New York Times bestselling author Cindy Woodsmall.

• Full-length Amish fiction
• Stand-alone novel
• Book length: approximately 104,000 words
• Includes discussion questions for book clubs

GIVEAWAY

Today's the official release day of Yesterday's Gone. Let's celebrate with Cindy and Erin.  Please leave a comment for Cindy and Erin for a chance to win a copy of Yesterday's Gone.

*Giveaway courtesy of Tyndale House Publishers and is subject to giveaway terms and conditions of Seekerville and Tyndale House Publishers. US Mailing addresses only.